THOUGHTS BEFORE…

I sit here with the gun lying on my table, contemplating if this is the right thing I want to do. Contemplating if I really will press the gun into the temple of my head. Contemplating if I will then pull the trigger and leave a huge mass of blood and brain matter. I think about who will appear afterwards, think about who would be the first one to see whatever was left of me.

I sit here with the gun lying on my table, thinking about the consequences of what I am about to do. I am about to end my life. I am about to stop breathing. I am about to stop functioning in this world. I do not know what lies ahead of me once my heart stops beating. I do not know if I would just stop existing or if heaven or hell even exists. All I know is that this life I’m living now, has to stop.

I sit here with the gun lying on my table, reflecting on my life so far. Trying hard to find a reason not to do this. I think about the things that used to stop me before. Watching the sun rise and set, watching animals run around, watching lovebirds hold onto each other so tightly, watching couples holding hands, watching children playing in the park, watching everyone else around me living. All these things used to smile, still makes me smile now. But I’m not any of those animals or people. I’m not one of the lovebirds; I’m not part of the couple who has each other to depend on, I’m not one of the children living a carefree life, expecting close to nothing. I’m me, the nobody who has made no impacts on anyone else’s life. The one, who has been watching and watching and watching and is now tired of watching. The one, who truly understands the meaning of being alone even though I know that the world is truly a joyful and wonderful place. But for some reason, the world refuses to grant me this.

I sit here with the gun lying on my table, having no regrets. Not even one. I sit here looking at the gun, knowing in my heart that this is the right thing to do. I sit here, picking up the gun with my right hand, staring at it, knowing that nothing and no one can change my mind now. I’m a goner. Nothing and no one can save me now. I sit here, bringing up the gun to my temple. It feels cold as I press it hard against my temple. For the first time, in a long time, I smile, a smile that is real and true. A smile that comes from my heart. My finger pulls the trigger and for the first time in a long time, I feel peace.