FULL CIRCLE

The sun sank into the ocean like a stone. He looked at her silhouette as she walked along the shoreline, bending down occasionally to pick up seashells. He couldn’t help but be distracted from the book he was reading to look at her. Her white dress blowing against the evening wind and her long dark hair dancing along with her dress. His mind wandered to the night before when he had her in his arms, when he had his hands moving through her hair as she spoke about the three years he had missed before that day.

His mind wandered even further from that night to the previous one, where he had no idea that the very next day he would be holding the only woman who truly understood him in his arms.

They had many similarities…him and her, that’s why in a world filled with rejection, they found in each other extensions of themselves that they had always been longing for – one person to spend their days with, someone who accepted them for who they were and loved them no matter what. Actually, neither of them ever uttered those three words that lovers say all the time. They were never officially together; they just really enjoyed spending time together.

Three years ago, when she said she was leaving and wasn’t sure when she was coming back or if at all she was ever going to come back, he didn’t think that having her gone from his life would have that much of an effect on him. He missed her company every single day. He missed not being able to call her randomly, due to the time difference to let her know about a song he had just heard, or about a book he saw in the bookshop that he really liked. He missed just being around her, watching her. He missed hearing her voice, sharing dreams with each other. It was only when she left, that he realised how much she actually meant to him, and he wanted to badly to tell her to come back to him, to tell her that he should have stopped her from leaving, to tell her that he loved her with every fibre of his being.

And yet, even though he wanted her by his side, he could never stop her from achieving her dreams. She had the chance to travel around Europe, writing about foreigners living in various parts of Europe. He can never forget the way her face looked when she told him the news, the way her eyes lit up in passion, something he recognised quite often, especially when she started talking about writing. He had the sudden urge to kiss her right then, but since he wasn’t sure from where that came about, he just gave her a huge hug, and told her that he was happy for her.

At the airport, when she left, he was the only one there to see her off. She didn’t want anyone else to come, so all their friends stayed away. When she had to leave, she cried, hugged him. The only thing he could say was that she was being silly to cry. Maybe even then, she had already realised that she did not really want to leave him, but he did not stop her, so she left anyway, thinking he did not have strong feelings for her.

She sent him lots of postcards, lost of letters from all the different places that she had been to. Rome, Paris, Amsterdam, Berlin, London and so on. She talked endlessly about the people she met, inspiration and experience she gained from travelling to so many places. She would always end each letter by saying that she missed him with all her heart.

He did reply his letters whenever he could, but since she never had a permanent address, letters to her was hard, so emails had to do. Even then, she continued with the letters and postcards. He would receive something in the mail at least once a week. Sometimes, because of the letters, it felt like she had never left him.

He tried to get her off his mind, by dating. He went on dates with many women, and sometimes he would mention them in his emails to her, but none of those women made an impact on him. He was always picturing her instead of the woman that was physically in front of him.

One day, as he was reading her latest letter, something in him told him that it he had to tell her how he was feeling. He felt like he could not live his life the way he had been living for the past three years, wondering if she loved him as much as he loved her, and so he sat down at his computer and typed an email, hoping that he was not too late.

Dear you,

As I type this right now, I’m picturing the way you looked when I first met you so many years ago. We probably wouldn’t have met had it not been for James. And the funny thing is both of us realised that we had more in common than James, and also the fact that so many years has passed- we’re still the best of friends, but I’m not really sure what James is up to these days.

Anyway, when I met you, you were quiet and didn’t talk much. Not that I talked much also, but then we went to music store. You went off by yourself and I was hanging out with James most of the time, looking at the Cds, trying to find if there was any that I would want to buy. I remember watching you from the corner of my eye though, just to see if you were bored because James and I were kind of doing our own thing but you seemed so at home.

I saw you looking at some CDs that were around to listen, saw you pondering if you should take a listen to the Snow Patrol CD. That’s when my legs made the decision to walk over to you. I asked if you knew who they were, you said you didn’t. I put the headphones on you and told you to listen to ‘Run’. I saw your face change the moment you listened to that song. When it was over you smiled and said “Wow, I wish I wrote that song.”  

Your smile, how do I begin describing your smile? It’s like a breath of fresh air after nearly drowning. It’s the first thing I wish I could see every morning now. From that moment on, we were joined at the hip, all because of the connection we felt towards that one song. Whenever I think of ‘Run’ I can’t help but think of you. Actually, whenever I think about a lot of things, I can’t help but think of you. We have had so many memories together since that day.

I don’t know how else to say this, so I shall be up front. I am in love with you. I have no idea when I fell for you. Maybe it was the day we met, maybe it was the day we wrote random lyrics on napkins in that café near my house; maybe it was the day you hugged me because I told you I was scared that no one would ever understand me; maybe it was the day you took my hand and told me that I was your best friend; maybe it was the day you told me about a book that made you cry; maybe it was the day you wrote a book of poems just for my birthday; maybe it was the day we went to watch a movie together and I saw you crying for the first time; maybe it was the day you looked at me for a second longer than usual; maybe it was the day I went to you when my girlfriend at that time broke up with me; maybe it was the day you told me that you were leaving me; maybe it was the day you left me. I really don’t know.

What I do know is this – you’re the only person I know that understands me completely. The only person that can know that something is wrong before I open my mouth. You’re the only person who sees me for me. And I dare say that I’m the only person that understands you completely.

I’m sorry, so very sorry for not telling you earlier, but I didn’t know it myself. Our friendship is so beautiful, so beautiful that I don’t think the word love is enough to describe the bond that I have with you. Love is such a misused word sometimes.

Honestly, I have no idea why I’m writing this. It’s not because I want you to be mine, it’s not because I want a reply, it’s not because I want you to come back to be with me, that would be selfish. I know how much you enjoy doing what you’re doing. I guess, I just need to tell you, so you know that you’re irreplaceable in my heart. I love you, and you’ll always be my best friend.

Your best friend.

After sending that email, he did not receive anything from here for close to three weeks. He did not know if she felt the same way, or if she hated him or even if she would ever call him. He went about his daily life, thinking of her, wondering what she was doing, wondering if his words had hurt her in anyway.

He was pleasantly surprised when she appeared at his doorstep the night before. The moment he opened his door, she threw her arms around his neck and pulled him close for a kiss. It was the first time they ever kissed. They continued just kissing, exploring each other’s tongue, lips, mouth for a very long time before she finally broke the kiss and asked “What took you so long?”

He smiled, said nothing. Instead he continued to kiss her, deeper. They spent the night in each other’s arms, whispering how much they cared for each other. Holding on to the moment, never wanting it to disappear. Morning came and when he awoke and saw her sleeping next to him, he knew that the night before was not just a dream or something that he had made up in his mind. She was smiling in her sleep and that made him wonder what it was that she was dreaming. He wondered if she was dreaming of him.

He slipped out of the covers, slowly, not wanting to wake her up. He walked over to his balcony and looked out at the sea. Living close to the beach had its perks. He closed his eyes and let the sun warm up his body a little.

He felt her arms wrap around him after a while.

“You’re up?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you want to do today?”

“Be with you. What do you want to do today?”

“Let’s go to the beach.”

They ate breakfast and lunch on the beach, enjoying each other’s company. Sometimes not saying anything, just either listening to music, or reading. Occasionally she would look at him and just smile for no reason. He’d smile back.

Just as dusk was approaching, she told him that she was going to pick some seashells. She walked slowly to the shore, pausing sometimes to look at the sun, or even just to look at the children making sandcastles. He watched her as she walked further and further away from him, but still within his sight. Before she bent down and got lost in discovering the different colours, shapes and sizes of the various shells, she looked back, found him and waved. He waved back, before going back to his book. Occasionally he looked up, just to make sure that she was alright, that she was still there.

After a while, he put his book aside just to watch her silhouette as she walked on the shore line, getting lost in the memories they had together from years ago. He did not know how their future would be like, all he knew was that she was finally with him, after going a big round the world, she was back where she started, back to him. He smiled at the thought that his life was going to change forever now that his best friend was by his side. He picked up his book, and continued to read it while waiting for her to come back and show him all the pretty sea shells that had caught her eye.