Blackvspurple

Sometimes I feel like a gerbil running around and around on his wheel. He has the ability to wrap me around his finger because honestly, it’s my fault. I worship the ground he steps on. No matter how insensitive he can get, I always go back to him at the end of the day because he keeps me happy.

It’s all because he took me out on a carousel on our first date. What’s a girl to do when if a guy does everything he can to sweep her off her feet? I would never forget what happened after that night was almost over. He was complaining of having severe backaches. All I had to do was to give him a massage and that led to us having our first kiss.

I am the one that doesn’t believe in a soul mate. But not believing in a soul mate doesn’t mean that I cannot find the love of my life. This boy at the carousel was not perfect. He’s no prince charming neither is he any of the men I have read about in any Nicholas Sparks’ novels. What makes him special is that he’s mine and that I chose to love him. It wasn’t because we were meant to be together or because it was written we should be together, but because we chose each other. That makes it even more special.

We are special because we want to be together even if I hate his favourite t-shirt or he hates it when I tie my hair (which I do all the time).

We’re not soul mates.

We’re not meant to be together.

We chose to be together and that is what will keep us together even when we’re gone, even when we’re nothing, even when nobody remembers us.

And because I love him so, it makes me feel such great pain looking at his sunken face now. His eyes are so lifeless. I try and try very hard to find myself in them, but I can’t. Replacing me is this pain that I never knew would come between us.

At first it wasn’t so bad. Though the image of me was hazy, I was still there. But ever since he started to reside permanently in the hospital, all I can see is pain and I hate that. I want him to see me and only me. I don’t want him to die without remembering me. I don’t want him to die remembering the pain.

I deserve so much better than that.

He used to be able to hold my hand, to talk to me, to tell me that the dreams we shared would still come true. We wanted to travel the world, see every inch, experience every single thing this planet has to offer us.

But now I have to sit and watch as every part of his body deteriorates, slowly and painfully. The pain grows and grows. Though he says its nothing, though he tries to convince me that the cancer would not take him, I don’t believe him. I know him so well. I know when he’s lying. And he’s lying now and I don’t deserve that.

I deserve so much better than this.

Yesterday I was sitting on the cold chair beside his bed. My hands were cold but I couldn’t care less. I started weeping. I thought he was sleeping because everything after chemo he gets so sleepy and tired that he cant do any thing else but sleep. I was wrong this time though. He reached out and took my hands in his. And for once in a long time, I saw myself in his eyes again. The pain had not won yet.

I knew then that I had to take action. While he still had me, I had to make sure that I will always remain there like that. I couldn’t tell him what I wanted to do because I knew that he would disagree and try to get me to stop what I was planning to do. He would convince me that the pain would never take my position and that is something I cannot risk. I need to do this for myself. Yes, that is an extremely selfish act, but seriously, that’s what love does to someone. It makes us selfish, only wanting the person we love to see us. This pain is threatening our love and I have to stop that. Because of this very reason, just few moments before I started writing this, I overdosed him while he was sleeping.

He’s gone now. He’s gone while he still had me in his eyes. The battle is over now. The pain has gone and I’ve won. Now, I feel like the only reason I became a doctor was to arrive at this very moment, was so I could kill my love and myself as easily as I can. Maybe its fate.

Love makes us delusional. I never used to believe in fate. But now as I take my last few breathes, I’m thinking about my life and it seems that every action and decision I’ve made has led me to this moment. Maybe fate does exist after all.

After I finish this writing, I’m going to take this injection I have here on the table and lie down beside him. I’ll inject him and pass on, with his arms around me. We’ll then be together, without pain. I just hope that through this, the people that we both love and left behind would understand us, even just a tiny bit. Understand that love is selfish.

Sometimes I feel like a gerbil running around and around on his wheel. He has the ability to wrap me around his finger because honestly, it’s my fault. I worship the ground he steps on. No matter how insensitive he can get, I always go back to him at the end of the day because he keeps me happy.

It’s all because he took me out on a carousel on our first date. What’s a girl to do when if a guy does everything he can to sweep her off her feet? I would never forget what happened after that night was almost over. He was complaining of having severe backaches. All I had to do was to give him a massage and that led to us having our first kiss.

I am the one that doesn’t believe in a soul mate. But not believing in a soul mate doesn’t mean that I cannot find the love of my life. This boy at the carousel was not perfect. He’s no prince charming neither is he any of the men I have read about in any Nicholas Sparks’ novels. What makes him special is that he’s mine and that I chose to love him. It wasn’t because we were meant to be together or because it was written we should be together, but because we chose each other. That makes it even more special.

We are special because we want to be together even if I hate his favourite t-shirt or he hates it when I tie my hair (which I do all the time).

We’re not soul mates.

We’re not meant to be together.

We chose to be together and that is what will keep us together even when we’re gone, even when we’re nothing, even when nobody remembers us.

And because I love him so, it makes me feel such great pain looking at his sunken face now. His eyes are so lifeless. I try and try very hard to find myself in them, but I can’t. Replacing me is this pain that I never knew would come between us.

At first it wasn’t so bad. Though the image of me was hazy, I was still there. But ever since he started to reside permanently in the hospital, all I can see is pain and I hate that. I want him to see me and only me. I don’t want him to die without remembering me. I don’t want him to die remembering the pain.

I deserve so much better than that.

He used to be able to hold my hand, to talk to me, to tell me that the dreams we shared would still come true. We wanted to travel the world, see every inch, experience every single thing this planet has to offer us.

But now I have to sit and watch as every part of his body deteriorates, slowly and painfully. The pain grows and grows. Though he says its nothing, though he tries to convince me that the cancer would not take him, I don’t believe him. I know him so well. I know when he’s lying. And he’s lying now and I don’t deserve that.

I deserve so much better than this.

Yesterday I was sitting on the cold chair beside his bed. My hands were cold but I couldn’t care less. I started weeping. I thought he was sleeping because everything after chemo he gets so sleepy and tired that he cant do any thing else but sleep. I was wrong this time though. He reached out and took my hands in his. And for once in a long time, I saw myself in his eyes again. The pain had not won yet.

I knew then that I had to take action. While he still had me, I had to make sure that I will always remain there like that. I couldn’t tell him what I wanted to do because I knew that he would disagree and try to get me to stop what I was planning to do. He would convince me that the pain would never take my position and that is something I cannot risk. I need to do this for myself. Yes, that is an extremely selfish act, but seriously, that’s what love does to someone. It makes us selfish, only wanting the person we love to see us. This pain is threatening our love and I have to stop that. Because of this very reason, just few moments before I started writing this, I overdosed him while he was sleeping.

He’s gone now. He’s gone while he still had me in his eyes. The battle is over now. The pain has gone and I’ve won. Now, I feel like the only reason I became a doctor was to arrive at this very moment, was so I could kill my love and myself as easily as I can. Maybe its fate.

Love makes us delusional. I never used to believe in fate. But now as I take my last few breathes, I’m thinking about my life and it seems that every action and decision I’ve made has led me to this moment. Maybe fate does exist after all.

After I finish this writing, I’m going to take this injection I have here on the table and lie down beside him. I’ll inject him and pass on, with his arms around me. We’ll then be together, without pain. I just hope that through this, the people that we both love and left behind would understand us, even just a tiny bit. Understand that love is selfish.

We’re not soul mates.

We’re not meant to be together.

We chose to be together and now

We are together forever